Have you ever wanted to help your kid a bit too much, when they have struggled to solve a problem? I know I have, especially when I have been in a hurry and felt I did not have the patience to wait.
I think we all learn best from the everyday experience solving problems which are meaningful to us. As a parent, it is helpful to observe those moments when children have problems and help them think about ways to solve their own problems. Anticipate problems before they escalate and help children identify possible solutions.
As parents, we can help children learn how to collaborate, cooperate, communicate, negotiate, self-advocate and respect others.
We all encounter problems in our lives. I think it is very helpful for both our kids and us as parents if we taught our kids to solve their problems peacefully. If we have the tools and we know how to use them, the tools will come in handy in a lot of situations. Maybe it can help to reduce the frustration and anger, and help us to focus on the actual solutions instead to save and gain some energy.
One way to teach kids problem solving is to help them to follow the basic procedures in engineering and science. But before anyone is able to solve a problem we all need to calm down. Often when we encounter a problem, we feel frustrated or angry. Before we can solve our problem, we need to know how we are feeling and calm down.
To be able to solve a problem, first you must identify what it is. When you know what the problem is, then you can think about which kind of solutions there could be. Is there only one solution or more?
When you have thought about which solutions are there, maybe it is time to think further: What happens if…? Next step is to start trying the solution(s) out. Which one is the best one? Do you get different results depending on which solution(s) you try out?
Problem solving recipe:
As a parent, I really want to help my kids to build up their problem solving skills. But to be able to do that, they need opportunities to practice using them. Here are a few ideas for some follow-up activities where you can reinforce the problem-solving steps and provide practice opportunities:
Let’s use the problem solving recipe above to see if they can help to encourage your kids to solve social conflicts peacefully.
We can’t solve any problems if we are upset.
The most of us parents are not mind readers, so to help our kids to communicate their thoughts and feelings with others, we need to teach them how to state directly how they are feeling in a particular situation. Identifying the source of conflict is an important step to be able to help in the right way.
One technique is the “I” statement: “I feel _______ (insert feeling word) when _____ (share what caused this feeling).” These statements open up the door to honest communication, authentic apologies and creative problem solving. Here are some examples of how “I” statements can be used in different social situations.
Empower your kids to come up with solutions when you are helping them to think through a conflict with someone. Maybe there are several solutions to the same problem?
Ask open-ended questions such as “What could we do to make the situation better?”; “What would be a fair solution?”; “What’s one thing you could do to help your friend feel better?” Let them use their imagination: “If you could wave a magic wand and fix this problem, what would it look like?”. If your kids are able to imagine an outcome, they will likely start to take steps to reach that goal.
I feel it is important to remind kids from an early age, that there are times they can solve problems on their own, but there are also times when it is very important to get help from others like a parent, teacher or another trusted adult.
Especially if kids feel unsafe, if someone is hurting them physically or emotionally, if they see someone else being hurt or if they have tried to solve a situation independently but it didn’t work, they should always “tell an adult.”
When trying out the solutions, I think it is important to remind our kids that sometimes friends don’t agree on certain things – and that is okay. Even people who like each other a lot can have different opinions, likes or interests. But even when we disagree, we must treat other people with respect and dignity.
In short that means we DO NOT call people names, ignore them, yell at them or hit them. That means we do look for solutions that respect both parties. It is important to apologize when our actions hurt someone else, and we do treat people with kindness.
First of all, to be able to solve a problem we all need to calm down. I think that often when we encounter a problem, we feel frustrated or angry, and before we can solve our problem, we need to know how we are feeling and calm down.
If we don’t know what the problem is, we can’t find a solution for it. Therefore it is important to identify what the problem is and practice clear communication: “I feel _______ (insert feeling word) when _____ (share what caused this feeling).
If we know what the problem is, are there more ways than one to solve it? Let your kids think about different solutions, and let them think about what will happen if…? to encourage their problem solving.
The last step is to try the solution(s). Is it possible for your kid to solve the problem themselves, or do they need help. Encourage them to “Tell a grown up” if they need help and also talk about how to disagree respectfully with other people.
What do you think? Is the technique for problem solving useful? Do you use it yourself? Let me know by sharing your comment below!